| Chapter 2 | Where do I start?
I'm just staring at this blank screen in fear. 100% terrified.
I am finally ready to do this heavy emotional lifting. I just don't know where to start. I'm committed to only telling my story and not anyone else's. The problem with that is my truth is so intertwined in so many lives and so many lies. Lies that people very near and dear to me are speaking still to this day. Lies that I continue to tell myself. These lies have grown deep roots and they continue telling me everyday that my silence will keep my family safe.
I don't know how to do this without ripping us all apart. I feel like I can't keep anyone safe in this unearthing including me and I'm terrified. It is so much easier to just stay silent. Over the years my silence has only grown in me severe anxiety and depression. In exposing these truth's I have to expose me too! So I'll start with me... It's much easier that way.
I've learned to self medicate with wine and for a former LDS member with mostly LDS family and friends that is a very frightening thing to say or admit! Mormons don't drink! Even more frightening than that is the self medication has turned into an addiction. Mormons don't know HOW to drink. Don't get me wrong though... I'm a super controlled alchoholic! [insert sarcasm] Ha, I of coarse know there is no such thing. I don't drink everyday (only a few times a month) but when I do drink lately more often than not it's too much. I can usually control it, but mostly my reason for pounding wine is to not feel anything at all. I'm sure you can guess that doesn't lead to a healthy place. To make this reality crazier... I'm obsessed with health and wellness and I preach it on social media like it's gospel truth. [insert eye roll] and then I pound an entire bottle of wine after a hard week or when I'm not feeling emotionally stable. Doesn't make sense, I know! I'm done self medicating. I've done it so I can stay silent and to mask the anxiety and depression. The little girl in me that was silenced in hopes of peace keeping has grown up. I know exactly what I have to do now for my mental health, my marriage and for my kids. I want them to see me being accountable, strong and unwaveringly honest... even if it makes my voice shake. I want them to know that I'm not perfect and therefore I don't expect them to be either. There is no such thing as perfection with the exception of only one thing... my love for them. If anything is perfect it's love and I've made it my religion the last 10 years.
I have to write this all down for me...
and it's terrifying but I'm going to trust this process.
I figure this is much cheaper than $180 an hour therapy sessions twice a week.
I have severe abandonment issues. Those issues have slowly seeped into my marriage and have hurt my husband. I'm constantly living in fear that he will leave me even though he has never done anything to support that fear. My husband told me last night that he loves me more than anything in this entire world and he would do anything to get his "Happy Amy" back. Unless you've been in the throws of depression, it almost seems like a switch people think can just be switched on or off. A happiness switch. I'm working so hard right now to flip that switch for my husband. He's the only person in this world I would work so hard to flip a switch for...
I guess this is my attempt to do just that.
I mentioned that I have abandonment issues. So here it goes;
I felt abandoned when my mom left the entire family to go back to school and finish her degree for a year several hours away from our home when I was 9. I found a headshot of one of her boyfriends she had while she was away to school. In my 9 year old brain I wondered if that's why she left us to "go back to school." Although I know now as an adult my mom must have been drowning in her own depression or anxiety to leave us for school. She's extremely cerebral and smart, so it makes sense when things got dark for her she turned to school and higher education. I asked her who that man was in the picture, and she answered, "My friend." I responded in my meanest most judge-mental 9 year old way, "Well I don't like your friend." with that she replied, "Well I don't like your friends either." and that was it! End of the discussion.
More than once in my early and late teens my mother and my sister dis-owned me and kicked me out of the house. I ran away from them once myself at 16 years old though. I was sick of what was going on inside our home. I always felt rejected, unaccepted and not good enough. So, that time I acted first. I jumped out the window with no shoes on and ran 18 city blocks up the avenues in SLC to my friends house and the only note I left was for my two brothers. I run from relationships that seem like I could get rejected from still to this day.
My mother and sister said to me on more than one occasion, I was not part of the family anymore because I did not believe as they did. It caused a severe panic attack when I was 17 and my boyfriend at the time had to call an ambulance for me because I could not breath. They always let TIME soften their words and actions just enough to pretend that nothing ever happened. Then they re-introduce themselves back into my life without even a word of acknowledgement or an apology, and I of coarse always let them. This same cycle continues today.
I felt abandoned by my Dad when I was 12. He left my brothers and me to navigate one of the most dysfunctional, religious and emotionally abusive environments without him. He got kicked out of our house, but he left. He left. I've come to terms with why he left but that is another story for a different chapter.
Why so much dysfunction?
I guess this is where MY story begins.
I am finally ready to do this heavy emotional lifting. I just don't know where to start. I'm committed to only telling my story and not anyone else's. The problem with that is my truth is so intertwined in so many lives and so many lies. Lies that people very near and dear to me are speaking still to this day. Lies that I continue to tell myself. These lies have grown deep roots and they continue telling me everyday that my silence will keep my family safe.
I don't know how to do this without ripping us all apart. I feel like I can't keep anyone safe in this unearthing including me and I'm terrified. It is so much easier to just stay silent. Over the years my silence has only grown in me severe anxiety and depression. In exposing these truth's I have to expose me too! So I'll start with me... It's much easier that way.
I've learned to self medicate with wine and for a former LDS member with mostly LDS family and friends that is a very frightening thing to say or admit! Mormons don't drink! Even more frightening than that is the self medication has turned into an addiction. Mormons don't know HOW to drink. Don't get me wrong though... I'm a super controlled alchoholic! [insert sarcasm] Ha, I of coarse know there is no such thing. I don't drink everyday (only a few times a month) but when I do drink lately more often than not it's too much. I can usually control it, but mostly my reason for pounding wine is to not feel anything at all. I'm sure you can guess that doesn't lead to a healthy place. To make this reality crazier... I'm obsessed with health and wellness and I preach it on social media like it's gospel truth. [insert eye roll] and then I pound an entire bottle of wine after a hard week or when I'm not feeling emotionally stable. Doesn't make sense, I know! I'm done self medicating. I've done it so I can stay silent and to mask the anxiety and depression. The little girl in me that was silenced in hopes of peace keeping has grown up. I know exactly what I have to do now for my mental health, my marriage and for my kids. I want them to see me being accountable, strong and unwaveringly honest... even if it makes my voice shake. I want them to know that I'm not perfect and therefore I don't expect them to be either. There is no such thing as perfection with the exception of only one thing... my love for them. If anything is perfect it's love and I've made it my religion the last 10 years.
I have to write this all down for me...
and it's terrifying but I'm going to trust this process.
I figure this is much cheaper than $180 an hour therapy sessions twice a week.
I guess this is my attempt to do just that.
I mentioned that I have abandonment issues. So here it goes;
I felt abandoned when my mom left the entire family to go back to school and finish her degree for a year several hours away from our home when I was 9. I found a headshot of one of her boyfriends she had while she was away to school. In my 9 year old brain I wondered if that's why she left us to "go back to school." Although I know now as an adult my mom must have been drowning in her own depression or anxiety to leave us for school. She's extremely cerebral and smart, so it makes sense when things got dark for her she turned to school and higher education. I asked her who that man was in the picture, and she answered, "My friend." I responded in my meanest most judge-mental 9 year old way, "Well I don't like your friend." with that she replied, "Well I don't like your friends either." and that was it! End of the discussion.
More than once in my early and late teens my mother and my sister dis-owned me and kicked me out of the house. I ran away from them once myself at 16 years old though. I was sick of what was going on inside our home. I always felt rejected, unaccepted and not good enough. So, that time I acted first. I jumped out the window with no shoes on and ran 18 city blocks up the avenues in SLC to my friends house and the only note I left was for my two brothers. I run from relationships that seem like I could get rejected from still to this day.
My mother and sister said to me on more than one occasion, I was not part of the family anymore because I did not believe as they did. It caused a severe panic attack when I was 17 and my boyfriend at the time had to call an ambulance for me because I could not breath. They always let TIME soften their words and actions just enough to pretend that nothing ever happened. Then they re-introduce themselves back into my life without even a word of acknowledgement or an apology, and I of coarse always let them. This same cycle continues today.
I felt abandoned by my Dad when I was 12. He left my brothers and me to navigate one of the most dysfunctional, religious and emotionally abusive environments without him. He got kicked out of our house, but he left. He left. I've come to terms with why he left but that is another story for a different chapter.
Why so much dysfunction?
I guess this is where MY story begins.
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