Monday, August 25, 2014
It's Monday again and Mondays must be my writing days... It's that time of year. A new school year has started and the kids are back to school. I'm starting to feel the autumn chill creep into the late evening and early morning hours. Astrologically we are experiencing a new moon. This is a time that signifies new beginnings. New moons symbolically are a blank page on which to speak your dreams out loud, to set intentions for a new phase, and to set goals. It kind of seems like a new school year for me too, and I'm excited to see what this new phase brings for my husband, my littles, and me. I've silently been feeling the need to transition my efforts away from design and focus on my family. I love to design. It's an outlet like nothing else I've experienced. I love to create and celebrate beauty. I love it when my clients are finally at home in their homes because their vision for it was finally implemented. It's such a good thing for me and that is why for the last two years I've struggled with this underlying nudge to slowly transition away from the tedious hours of my design career. I know I'm supposed to focus my energies elsewhere. I've prayed and meditated on what is next for us. What is my next step? I created a slideshow of these quiet answers I've received over the last few years. I just needed a way to get these abstract ideas outside of my brain so I can make goals for my family and me in this new moon phase.
Monday, August 18, 2014
It's Monday.... and I just had a few feelings and moments that I wanted to jot down and journal before they escape my heart or my memory. I had an amazing weekend with a some of my friends. We are a bunch of mom's that escaped our homes and duties for the weekend to run in the Grand Teton Relay #rungtrelay. It's a 12 person relay covering 180 miles of beautiful yet butt kicking terrain. We ran through Ashton Id, Island park, Grand Targhee, and so many darling towns along the way I couldn't commit their names to my memory. We finished the relay race in beautiful Jackson Hole. The race wasn't all beauty and laughs... though there was plenty of that to fill my cup. The hardship and challenge brought me some clarity that I'd like to share. Races have a way of really taking down your walls quickly. Demolishing them really. There are moments when you dig so deep that you are raw enough to connect with people, the wilderness and heaven a little bit more vividly. I experienced exactly that this weekend. I went into the race with all sorts of "EXPECTATIONS" as we all often do in life. I "EXPECTED" my first run to be my hardest. On paper it was the most miles I'd have to run that race and a lot of it was up hill gaining a considerable amount of elevation. Much more than I had trained for. I was worried about that run the very most. I have done over night relay's before and the night runs are always the most feared and usually end up being the favorites. I "EXPECTED" my second run to be my favorite. My third run I was excited for. I "EXPECTED" it to be easy. down hill but not too down hill. Not too long a run, not too short. It looked like the perfect terrain for me to let go and run at a record pace. As you might be "EXPECTING" not all of my "EXPECTATIONS" of the race were entirely accurate. My first run was my fastest. My legs were fresh and the uphills didn't hurt that bad. The adrenaline from the race was like diesel fuel in my body. My friends were cheering me on, I had good music blaring in my headphones.....I felt amazing. All that worrying about that leg was energy TOTALLY wasted. My night run was lovely as I "EXPECTED" but I was cold and had to stop to pee behind the safety of my support vehicle. I didn't "EXPECT" that! I didn't "EXPECT" a 70 year old to pass me. Maybe I wasn't running as fast as I had "EXPECTED"? Ha! :) My Last Run....The run I was the most excited about was the toughest to get through. It was the run that inspired this post. It was the run that demolished my walls and for a fleeting moment offered me complete clarity. I didn't "EXPECT" that. My third and final run began at twilight after a sleepless night. The 2 hours rest in my sleeping bag on a high school sofa was a mean tease. I was sick to my stomach from being so tired and my brain didn't allow myself to fall into a deep sleep because I new that I would be running soon. I started the run feeling exhausted but I told my van to go to the next exchange because I "EXPECTED" this run to be no big deal. I "EXPECTED" although exhausted I would be fine and support would be unnecessary. I watched my van disappear down the canyon in front of me. They were headed to wait for me at the next exchange as I had told them to do. I started to run and immediately realized that my "EXPECTATIONS" of this run were entirely inaccurate. Both of my knees started firing immediately. They had experienced more pounding in the last 24 hours then they had in A LONG TIME. The cold icy air was thin because of the elevation and it burned my lungs with every breath. I coughed a couple times....more of a choke really. What had I gotten myself into? Why did I tell my friends to go away and to leave me? I thought I would be fine but I wasn't. I stared down the canyon road as I tried to break into a clumsy jog. My shoes felt like they were filled with lead and this gorgeous canyon road turned into a 5 mile nightmare. I was exhausted, and scared that I couldn't catch my breath. Unreasonable thoughts began to flood into my mind. "Am I having a heart attack? Really!? My chest is so tight right now." "My team is going to be waiting forever at the finish line for me, they'll be so disappointed" "I'll be so embarrassed" "my friends will think I'm weak" "should I hitch hike to the finish?" "I can't walk, this is down hill....If you walk you're weak." "Crap, why didn't I train harder?" "I hate this road" "I hate running" you get the point. The negative self talk was eating me up and ruining my run. I said a little prayer. It went like this... HELP ME!!!!!!! All of a sudden a song rang through my earphones that I really felt like came from above. It might as well been God singing it in my ear. I was that tired, delirious, hurt, and worried. The timing really was divine. #All Right #Donavon Frankenreiter Album: Glow Don't worry about a thing. Heaven knows what the day will bring. There's a big old sun lighting up your sky. burning off your blues, let the good light shine. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. Don't loose a lick of sleep. In the morning rise to see, There's a silver moon lighting up your night knocking off your blues let the good light shine. It's gonna be all right. I said it's gonna be all right. You know the bluebird she won't pass you by. No, No. It's gonna be all right. I said it's gonna be all right. You know it doesn't have to be such a chore to see. Everything the world can be is such a sense of peace. It doesn't have to be such a chore to see. Everything the world can be.... It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. I saw and felt that big old sun lighting up the sky right before my eyes. It was 6:30 a.m. and the night was transitioning into day. I could feel the sun warming the tiny icicle particles in the air that I was breathing. My chest relaxed and I didn't labor for air as I had just seconds before. I realized I was going to be all right. I realized that the girls didn't care how long that run took me.... in fact it would give them more time to sleep. I realized that I could indeed walk.... and really that wasn't a weak thing to do...in fact is was the best and most kind thing to do for my aching knees and tight I.T. band. Then the words, "you know it doesn't have to be such a chore to see" rang in my ears. Why was I turning this beautiful run I signed up to do into a chore? This was supposed to be fun. I had decided to walk for a minute at that point and because I wasn't in so much pain I could take in the scenery around me and get grateful for such amazing experiences! I could see the dew on the trees, the wild life around me and I had failed to notice that I was running next to an amazingly gorgeous yet gentle mountain stream. In that moment I remembered one of my favorite quotes by Brenda Peterson "Like water be gentle and strong. Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world" My "HELP ME" prayer was indeed heard! I felt the heavens open for a sliver of time to inspire me to be strong but not to forget about being gentle. The remembrance of the abundance in my life began to fill my mind crowding out all the negativity. Tears literally burst out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I have so much to be grateful for. Life doesn't HAVE to be "such a chore." We can clumsily stumble into a painful jog when life's hurdles appear or we can slow down and enjoy the journey. It's all about perspective and losing our "EXPECTATIONS" My last run was indeed my best run but for much different reasons than I had "EXPECTED."
Monday, August 4, 2014
My Last post was February 2012. Admittedly I couldn't even remember how to log into my blog or even what my blog name is. My last post stopped me in my tracks as I read it this morning. STUNNED...really. I was in Costa Rica trying to find balance. Ha! How unbalanced to leave your life behind and swing the pendulum to the other side of what life really is for most of us. I did have an opportunity to slow down, relax, unravel, and remember what is most important in my life. I can't tell you what is most important to you, but to me, my family comes first. I'm still so grateful for that "Pura Vida" experience and will cherish the family moments we shared forever. Here I am two years later really working on balance still. It's funny really, I can see that for me balance will be a life long journey and something that I may never master. It's just part of my personality to pour myself completely into a project, work, a hobby, family, friendships, exersize etc. The list can go on forever. I purposely do not read a lot because when I open a book, I must finish it sometimes in one sitting......not very balanced. This is a part of me I try to hide...a little ashamed I'm so "unbalanced." The dictionary states that balance is mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior. state of equilibrium. ....Sounds nice. Alanis Morissette sings a song called "Empathy" that I love. Part of the Lyrics read "There are so many colors I try to hide while I paint." I've really connected with those lyrics this week and have realized that I shouldn't hide some colors of my personality that make me me! I won't fully be balanced unless I embrace the parts of myself that are intensely content with sometimes not completely being balanced. I love extremes! It's nothing to be ashamed of. I love to work hard and play harder. I love to read a book cover to cover sometimes in one sitting. I love riding my bike until I get so raw I can feel heaven. I love running until I've run out of things to think about, and sometimes that's a long time. I love hiking so high and so far I'm drunk off of the lack of oxygen in the air. I love dancing until I drop. I love throwing all my artistic energy at a design project until I feel totally and completely un-inspired. It's just part of who I am and I never want to admit that. 2 years ago I never would have written these words down. I kind of dared to on my last post. I called it "tunnel vision" and blamed it on my mom. Whatever it is...it's ok. I will embrace it for it makes me me. Whatever your colors are....they're beautiful! All of us came to this life with different colors to paint with, and although I have found things that assist me in staying balanced, (my husband...my kids...yoga....meditation) sometimes I'll read too long, run too far, and work too hard. On those days I'll remember that none of us are perfect and I'll re-center, re-group, remember, and re-boot. We weren't sent here to be perfect. We were sent here to learn and grow and love. One of my favorite things I've read in a while is this; “Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty." I am plenty. You are plenty.