Running Through Transitions Like...

Light precedes every transition. Whether at the end of a tunnel, through a crack in the door or the flash of an idea, it is always there, heralding a new beginning.     

The past few years I've spent a lot of time doing that heavy lifting that is sometimes called "inner work"! I love the quote I included above...light precedes every transition and even peeks through darkness though cracks in the door or a flash of an idea... but always heralding a new beginning.  Over the past few years there has been some self love, big amounts of self reflection and unfortunately even some self sabotage. But through this heavy lifting has budded in me some organic growth that can only come in the wake of transition and change.  

First of all I had to get to a point where I really actually believed Tony Robbins when he said, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you have always gotten." In my case without taking a deep look (heavy lifting) I really loved the results of what I had always done up to this point in my life.  I'm grateful for a supportive and loving husband. I have 4 healthy and happy boys whom I cherish. I have a beautiful home tucked in the coziest neighborhood. I had arrived right?  I finally retired my 17 year design career and was in a position I could just be home...something I've always yearned and longed for.  THEN what was wrong??? What was wrong with me?  Why was I shutting down? Why did I feel alone and isolated? Why was I not grateful for this opportunity, when it's all I ever said I wanted?

When do we ever arrive anywhere in life? When do we get to the point where we realize this is the only moment I'm promised? Life is a series of moments and how we act and show up in a moment determines what type of life we live.  When do we get to a point that we really understand that in an instant anything and everything can change?
  
Oh you mean Tony was right? If you change what you've always done then you'll get different results?  TRANSITION.  Yikes I had opened my self up to a major transition. I had just changed something I had always done (my career) and different results came of it (home).

Transitions are hard even if they are good for us. Change is a sign we are growing and evolving... so why did I just feet lost.  Like I was swimming in never ending laundry and thankless meals.  I'm realizing now a big part of my self esteem and ego were attached to my career.  I didn't know or comprehend how much gratification came from finishing a complicated remodel, designing a new build from concept to completion or nailing that office building for that doctor.  It was the gratitude and praise that came at me from my clients that gave me self esteem and confidence. 

Hmmm.... I always thought that my self-esteem and confidence were cultivated deep within.  It really should be... unfortunately it wasn't... and worse, I didn't know myself well enough to know that! Here I spent most of my career complaining about the stress and the busyness of running a company and I just longed to be home.  As soon as I got home, I missed my career and could only see the good that came from it? 

OH....I see Tony... I finally see! I AM indeed doing something I have always done...and getting the same results over and over. Because of the transition from work to home I was given a gift (having the time) to look at my own shadow.  That part of us we keep hidden from others or even ourselves.  The thing I do over and over uncontiously is that I am not living fully present. Because of that my results in my life in general are feeling like I've never ever arrived.  I keep robbing myself of real joy, real peace and real gratitude.  It's never really been about the journey to me even though I insisted it was.  It was eyes on the prize, fully focused on the destination... but really what's the destination? In this case Home? Because I got myself there and now what? 

I decided to to get my yoga certification in 2017 to help guide me through this self realization journey.  It assisted me so deeply and at times held up mirrors with reflections that were hard to look at.  Those things that you see in others but can't look at in yourself type reflections. But, I learned from those things I didn't really want to see and I was able to make some adjustments deep within.

I'm at home this morning on a snowy Wednesday morning and as I type this post a real gratitude fills my chest.  Not because I've arrived but because I haven't... and thats OK.  I have come a long way and I have a long way to go.  I'm grateful for this major transition in my life that aided in some self realizations that allow me the chance to savor these types of quiet mornings full of soulful reflection. Signing off today fully committed to enjoying the journey, which for me is the light that precedes this transition.

Change is situational. Transition, on the other hand, is psychological. It is not those events, but rather the inner reorientation or self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, the change won’t work, because it doesn’t take.     

William Bridges